Transform & Renew

Letting y'all in a little deeper today....which is hard and easy...it's easy because it is my nature to share, sometimes I can overshare if I really trust you LOL, but it is also hard because it is letting people into a part of me that the world would tell me is shameful and should be kept to myself. We live in a social media world where you only really ever see the highlight reels, while I love to see the good happening in others lives I also hate it a little because the enemy likes to whisper lies about how other people have it all together and how perfect and easy other people's lives are....so many LIES...even knowing they are lies it is hard to not let that affect the way you think...which brings us to todays page on renewing your mind, changing the way you THINK! What I am going to share with you is a direct reflection of how your thought life can affect everything in your life. Get comfortable, this will be a long one.

Something I battle with is what my counselor terms A.N.Ts which stands for Automatic Negative Thoughts. It is like my brain has a default setting of negativity and I'll tell you I hate it, but it is also where I'm most comfortable. Make that make sense! It feels unnatural and uncomfortable to be super positive, I think for most of my life I have always viewed positive people as "fake" because negativity is just what came natural and I was really never taught to be any other way. Negativity is actually what comes natural to most of us, it is easiest, it takes a lot more effort to choose to be positive.

So this negativity kind of came to a head back in April. My husband went to a men's conference called Tres Dias and he came back restored, renewed, refreshed and changed! I could see it on him when he came through the door, and felt it in his awkwardly long hug, and because of that my defenses immediately went up and I could feel the negative thoughts already swirling. He started telling me about his weekend and some of the things God did and I physically was clenching my jaw, I honestly wanted to scream "who cares" or "well good for you" or any other number of thoughts swirling in my head. I finally said to him that that was great but that I was in a completely different place than him and so it was hard to hear, telling him this brought on the tears and I immediately left the room because I was embarrassed and felt ashamed that my response was so negative. I wanted so much to be there for him and celebrate what God did in him but I physically couldn't (if you've never read my blog before and are lost on why I felt this way please go read at least my first blog post and my most recent and it will be clearer) I explained to my husband that I felt like he was leaving me behind, like God did these amazing things for him and it was taking him down a path and I was just stuck behind in this mental emotional mess I'd been in for a while. My husband always does his best to try to understand and be there for me but I imagine how defeated he must have felt, like I took the wind right out of his sails, and that is still hard for me to think about and not feel bad about. In the coming days after that we had several talks/arguments and during one of these he kinda blurted out that he was trying out for the worship team at church that week....a little back story on me if you didn't know, I love to sing, I grew up always singing at church anytime I could and sang on the worship team and was part of the Arkansas Children's Choir, my school choir, I was always singing. I still LOVE to sing, there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not singing at some point during the day, I've always had a goal to try out for the worship team at church but generalized and social anxiety don't really push you toward those goals...so when Terry told me this, in the bad emotional place that I was in my response to him was "oh wow well that's just great" *add in very sarcastic tones* that obviously didn't set well with him and it added fuel to our already heated discussion. In that moment it felt like he was taking away the goal that I have for myself, like if now because he was trying out that I never could (I know, not rational thoughts) He also has never shown an interest in singing outside of singing in the car LOL, so it was a complete shock. He told me that he didn't know why but that he felt like God was telling him to take this step. I know he questioned it a lot but he remained obedient to what he felt like the Holy Spirit was leading him to do and he tried out. To his surprise he made it on the team and they place him on the schedule for Father's Day, not only for worship but to also sing a special song for Father's Day with two other men. When I found all of this out, I was far less than thrilled. I had SO MANY negative thoughts and emotions. I actually had the thought "well there goes our father's day" because I thought him singing was going to put me in such a bad place that the day would be ruined.

I wanna stop for just a second before I tell you the rest of the story and tell you where these negative emotions came from. Because if there is one thing I've learned it's that negative thoughts and emotions are ALWAYS rooted in something deeper, they are never for no reason. I realized it pretty quick and I had to really humble myself to admit it to myself and to Terry. It was jealousy. I was seeing him have things that I wanted...the amazing experience at his conference, a spot on the worship team. I literally felt like a little kid that was so jealous of the friend that seemed to have it all while she gets nothing. I was so jealous....you know how difficult that is to admit to your husband that you're jealous of him?! Very hard!

Ok, back to the story. I really had no idea how I was going to react to seeing him on stage, I was really worried about it. The week leading up to Father's Day I believe God began working on softening my heart and I didn't even realize it. That Monday he put the desire to journal on my heart and that is where my most recent blog post and journaling page came from. After not having a desire to do that for over 3 months I don't think the timing of that desire returning was a coincidence. Then a little later in the week me and Eden were giving Terry some singing pointers and for the first time I didn't feel filled with negativity towards him on the subject. I still didn't see what God was doing though and was worried what Father's Day was going to look like.

So now let's talk about what Father's Day ended up looking like...we went to church and Terry came out on stage for the first song and I didn't feel super negative, actually it was pretty cool seeing him up there. Then one of our pastors, Enrique, came on stage to do our Prayer Partner push and he started talking about looking back on how he parented his now grown sons and how easy it is to see all the mistakes because of who he was back then but that he can't live in the past and has to remember the person God has made him to be now. Something he said though struck a chord with me, he said "It's time to stop allowing people who can't see past our past to keep us in that regiment of pain and regret" and it was in that moment that I realized that is exactly what I've been doing. While I've been doing the hard work in counseling to process the emotional damage caused from my husbands affairs my mind was reliving it all and because of that I was projecting that onto him and bringing him right back in it with me. I have been failing to see the man that God has transformed him into and instead was seeing the man that caused the damage in me. When I realized this I immediately felt the nudge to go down for prayer. I went to my friend Tina and expressed these things to her and told her I wanted to let it go, I didn't want to keep pulling him down, that I wanted to see him for who he is now and not who he used to be. Something my counselor has told me is that moving on and healing is my CHOICE. I struggled with this because I felt like, I didn't choose to be where I am so how can I choose to not be here. As I was talking to Tina before she prayed for me I realized what that choice meant for the first time. I realized that making that choice didn't mean I could choose to magically be healed and whole and feel all better in an instant, what it meant is that I am making a choice to no longer wallow in it, I'm making a choice to not just sit in it and think about it all the time, I am making a choice to take another step forward and another and another, I am choosing to allow God to come in and help me out of it. After Tina prayed over me and I returned to my seat the worship team was repeating a line of a song and it just said "he won't fail, he wont' fail, he won't" and as they sang it I couldn't really hear anyone except Terry, his voice came through above the rest and every time I heard his voice I could feel my throat catching, and the tears welling in my eyes and what I felt deep inside was......wait for it.....PRIDE!! Yeah! I was shocked too! I felt so amazingly proud of him, the kind of pride I've experienced when my kids do something amazing and I just want to shout "that's my kid" I kinda wanted to shout "that's my husband"! But the pride wasn't because he sounded so good, it was because I was seeing this man on stage, who has never sang on stage in his life, who was so nervous to go up there, this man who had no clue why God was telling him to join the worship team, yet because he knew what God had told him he did it anyways, he was obedient, and in his obedience it brought a level of healing to my heart. I was able to see him for the man God has transformed him into and I don't know if I could've had this revelation any other way. I have no doubt that the reason God told him to join the worship team is for our marriage, for my healing and ultimately our healing.

God changed something in my heart on Sunday, in a time where I have been feeling farther from God and my husband than ever I feel like he opened the door and pulled me back into him which in turn pulled me back to my husband as well. I've realized I've been pushing my husband away when I should've been pulling him to me, God has opened my eyes to see things more clearly. I feel like I went from looking down a tunnel to finally coming out of the tunnel and seeing everything around me.

A couple weeks ago after my counseling session, Terry and I discussed my session as we usually do and it was a really defeating conversation for us both. For the first time ever I actually felt like my marriage my be reaching the end, although it is not what either of us wanted I think we both felt it and it was because of me, because I felt like I reached a place where there was no healing, that I would never get better. Can I tell you now, when I look back on that conversation what I see is me finally reaching the bottom, where there is no where else to go and it's like I hear God laughing (like a father would that is watching their child trying to do something on their own that they could never accomplish on their own)he's laughing and saying NOW can I help? Now will you finally take my hand and let me pull you up and help you?! I have been trying to do it in my own strength for so long and all it did was push me to the very bottom of myself. That sucks, but also it is what I needed to make me realize that I absolutely cannot do it on my own.

I know I still have healing to walk through and it may be a life long walk of constantly choosing to stay on the path of healing. I know Satan is always there waiting for a weak moment to pounce on me. That is why I know I have to continue pressing in to God and allow him to be my firm foundation so that when Satan does come in I will be ready. I have to make a daily choice of what my thoughts will be. Just last night I had some negative thoughts creeping in and I had to sit quietly and wait for them to fizzle out and replace them with positive ones. That is SUPER hard to do, that is why I can't do it on my own.

I know there will still be bad days but I also know God changed something in my heart and I am clinging on to that daily and reminding myself that I get to CHOOSE what I think about with God's help!!

Please checkout my process video for todays page here: https://youtu.be/utvVstGYXFw