Mental Health: Real Talk

I have been gone from my blog for a while, I've also been absent from Bible Journaling. So today we are having a real conversation about what exactly is going on with me. I've always strived to be transparent and vulnerably share here and I want to continue to do that. As most of you that know me know, I have struggled with Anxiety and Depression most of my adult life. Through counseling I discovered that the anxiety was actually present in my childhood as well, I just didn't know what it was at that time.

If you know me, you already know that my family and I uprooted our entire lives in Texas and moved back to Northwest Arkansas in December of last year. While I grew up here and it did feel like coming home it has also been a struggle. I don't have established friends here and as an adult who is an introvert it is very difficult to make friends. I feel awkward talking to people and that usually comes off to other people like I'm a snob....never my intention! I'm not a fan of small talk, standing around talking about meaningless and insignificant things just doesn't thrill me, I will do it to try and be friendly but I would just rather not. I like deep meaningful conversations. I like discussing real life stuff, the good AND the bad. But I think people tend to shy away from the bad and I think for some talking about the bad just makes them uncomfortable.

I wish mental health struggles were not such an uncomfortable subject. I feel like as a Christian, mental health is even more stigmatized. Like I'm a Christian, I should just pray, and I'll feel better, right? It's possible.... when you're dealing with situational stress, prayer is the perfect tool to help you overcome those feelings of overwhelm, but as someone with diagnosed Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Moderate to Severe Depression and situational Panic Disorder, prayer is just one tool/weapon in my arsenal. It's a daily necessity that keeps me from spiraling into the depths. To this day, however, God has chosen to not heal me completely and I realize this is something I may battle the rest of my life (the thorn in my side, if you will). Part of me is okay with that because it is through my weakness that He is strong, but the other part of me says HELL NO I'm NOT okay with that at all. That cannot possibly be the plan God has for my life.

Something a pastor once said that has always stuck with my husband and I is that God will only do what we are not able to do. So, when recently my husband was expressing frustration over his prayers for me and that my anxiety seems to not be getting any better, I reminded him of that "quote". I said God COULD heal me instantly, but there is no growth in me from that. I believe I have to do the things that God isn't able to do. So, I started seeing a psychiatrist for medication management. I did a Gene test to see which medication works best so that if we need to change my current meds, we can do that. I also am starting therapy this week as well. I have sought out a therapist that does more than just sits and listens, my hope is that my experience will be better than my past experiences which consisted of talk therapy alone and did not prove beneficial. Now, don't read this and say but God is able to do ALL things...... yes, yes of course.... but he can't go to therapy for me, he can't call the doctor for me and go to my appointments. THESE are the things, human things on this earth, that we have to do, God cannot do them for us. These are the things I'm speaking of.

My hope is to journal along this journey. I do believe God can take any and everything that Satan means to destroy us, and he can turn it all for our good and His glory, that's the whole point behind Project Eight28. But that doesn't mean we sit idly by while declaring he will do that; we are an active part and seeing to it that things get turned around!

So, if you are struggling with mental health I hope you will 1. Pray (for you, for me, for others) 2. Be vulnerable enough to share your struggles with someone (I will always be one to lend a listening ear if you need one) and 3. Give yourself grace, you are NOT alone!!

I don't know how often I will post, maybe once a week, maybe more, maybe less. But I want to journal this journey back to Mental wholeness and I hope a few of you will come along for the hard and emotional ride I'm sure it will be!!