Do all things actually work together for good?

Yes, that's a question, no it's not a mistake...This is a question I have asked myself A LOT over the last several months, because the season I have found myself in is one that has really been difficult. I haven't journaled a single page since March 11th, that is the longest I've gone without journaling in well over 2 years. The why? I just couldn't. I have been wrestling with my marriage, my faith, my purpose, all of it. I want to share all of it with you but I am having a hard time even knowing where to start. But in an effort to continue to be real and vulnerable, which is always my goal here, I will share as much as I feel I possibly can.

If you know much of my story you will know the redemption my marriage has seen, that's what makes going through this even more difficult because I thought that the restoration was 100% and that all of that was in my rearview. Over the course of some arguments that should have meant nothing I realized that it was, in fact, not in my rearview. What I realized is that these arguments that should have been easily resolved left me questioning everything about my marriage. I was left in a puddle of emotions and having all the old thoughts and feelings that I used to have when we were in the thick of it (if you are totally lost at this point, please go read my first blog post titled "Strength through the pain). Because of this I realized, at my husband's prompting, that I needed to go back to counseling. I contacted my counselor the next day and got my first appointment scheduled. As I did some self reflection prior to that first visit, I realized that I never actually went through counseling to address the emotional damage and trauma that my husbands affairs had caused. We worked on the marriage, rebuilding trust, learning to love each other in the right ways again, but what I failed to realize is that there was nothing Terry could do to heal the damage inside of me. He could do all the things to rebuild the trust and fuel my love tank in the ways that I need (go read The 5 Love Languages if the idea of a love tank is foreign to you), he could be accountable to me on all fronts, but the one thing he has no power or control over is the trauma in my brain. For that, I knew I needed counseling. For those first couple of months I really didn't talk about my marriage. I mostly talked about my anxiety.

At the end of January things got much worse, on January 30th I had a complete emotional breakdown. I have never experienced what I experienced that day before and thankfully it has not happened since. It was a culmination of things but mostly it was a lot of emotions bubbling over and being pushed to the edge where I broke. I found myself screaming as I literally fell to the floor and began crying so hard I was hyperventilating to the point that I couldn't breathe. My poor husband was terrified as I kept telling him I couldn't breathe, then, before I could stop them, the words left my lips..."I just want to kill myself, I don't want to feel like this anymore" As if my husband wasn't already scared enough this just took the terror to a whole other level. Did I mean those words? NO WAY! Did that matter to my husband? Not really. I can't imagine what hearing those words would do to me if the roles were reversed so I really can't blame him for being truly scared that I was going to take my life. In that moment I did not actually want to die but I absolutely did not want to feel the way I was feeling either and that was the irrational words that came out. My counselor actually gave what happened a name, but I can't for the life of me remember what it is called. This is the first I am really sharing about my breakdown because it is not something people are comfortable hearing about. Especially if you have never dealt with anxiety and depression. People just don't understand it. The only thing that calmed me down that day was my husbands unwavering presence. Once I was able to make it to our bed he just stayed with me and held me. At the time I think he thought he wasn't helping at all, because to him he wasn't really "doing" anything, but for me, in that moment, it was exactly what I needed. It helped to ground me and comfort me and most of all it meant that I wasn't alone and that I was loved. This breakdown was a wake up call for me, I realized how much I was NOT okay and how much something had to give if I was going to get better. Up to that point I really wasn't giving my all in counseling and so I had to make a decision at that point to lay it all out every week, no matter how painful. I also had to take a good hard look at my life and what changes I could make to help my mental health along. It led to me making one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make which was stepping back from a friendship that was not helping my mental health. It was a friendship that meant a great deal to me, one I had been feeling was not doing well for some time, but because I did not want to end it I never said anything. I never let on how negatively the friendship was impacting my mental health. Now, I can't say what this friendship would have done to me if I was in a healthy place mentally, I'd like to believe I could have worked it out. But the fact is that I was not emotionally stable enough to handle the negativity this friendship was bringing me. So I had to distance myself. I also had to distance myself from the Bible Journaling group that I was on the moderator team for. There were several factors for this, none of which I will ever discuss with anyone outside of my close circle. These two things were much needed, but they hit me hard and this led to me pushing Bible Journaling to the side for the last 3 months.

I have been working hard in counseling, deep counseling, not the easy kind where you go and chat about the little stuff like I had been doing, but the kind where you are digging deeper than you thought was possible, the kind where you can't even hardly get words out to your counselor because you are sobbing too hard. This is the kind of counseling where I know great healing takes place, and I wish I could sit here and type this and tell you that I am healed and whole and how wonderful life is now but I can't. I'm not there yet. I hope I will be and I hope that it's not too far off in the future. But for now, I am still in the thick of it, going to counseling every single week and digging a little deeper, having hard conversations with my husband, sometimes ones that run into the wee hours. It is hard work and as much as I want it to hurry up I know there is power in the pace and that going slow and steady is a much better path to healing.

Something I have struggled with these last 3 months is my faith. My foundation verse for Project Eight28 is this verse, Romans 8:28. But I have had a hard time believing it. When you are in such a low place it feels impossible that any good could possibly come from it. I have questioned God a lot. I've at times wondered silently to myself if He is even real. It's an incredibly lonely place to be. The only thing I can do to combat these feelings is to continue to fill myself with worship music and remind myself of who I know God to be. So that is what led me to break this 3 month stent and journal a page today. I don't know how often I will be posting but my hope is that I will journal and post at least once a week.

My blog posts are not typically this long, but given my silence for the last few months I felt that I needed to share where I have been and what has been happening. It is always my goal here to be open and honest and foster an environment where others feel safe to do the same. I always welcome comments and messages!

Please enjoy my process video for this page: https://youtu.be/X4tqfVfp8KI